This one hit different.

A few days before my 39th birthday, I started to reflect on life and where I’m at right now. What was true for me in the moment was that I hadn’t lived up to my expectations. Anyone else put ridiculously high expectations on themselves? I always thought by the time I was 40, I’d have it figured out (whatever that means). I’d have a decent sized quirky, minimalist, quality home that could fit guests easily with a big yard for our boys, gardens etc. I’d be so fluent, flowing and expert-like in my career. I’d be dressed in a way that expressed my creativity and we’d go on family holidays all over the world, I’d go on girls trips and buy loved ones amazing gifts…. yaaaaa all that and more. This is how I thought life looked at this age- and for some it absolutely does. I thought I’d be one of them.

So I spent a few days wasting a ton of precious energy on this and filling a small pond worth of tears and excuses on the feeling that I’m not good enough. All the ‘why me’s’ and victim mentality flooded through my body and brain. Thing’s like ‘I shouldn’t have had kids, I shouldn’t have started a new career at 35, we shouldn’t have moved’, etc etc. Then, me being me, tried to figure out the root cause. Is it the influence of instagram? is it because we just happen to know many people that have hit the jackpot with business or family money? Is this all this and all that?

I think the answer was all of the above and more, however it didn’t seem to matter in the end. What mattered more was that I felt like I was dipping my toes into that depression state that I haven’t felt in 4-5yrs now since I dug myself out last time. It scared me for a minute, it scared my husband, cue more tears.

In divine timing, it happens to be Mental Health Awareness Month. Hence why I wanted to open to what feels like a vulnerable conversation. You could be reading this with zero empathy thinking I have no real reason to be low but don’t worry I beat you to it and felt even lower knowing that I have such a beautiful life and I shouldn’t be low in the first place. The thing with depression is, it does not give AF. You feel what you feel and it can take you down with a vengeance. Thankfully, I just happened to learn a few tricks the last time I was here and I put them to use quickly to stop that downward spiral!

As a friend said to me - “Even the most incredible mindset gurus and mental health practitioners have down days and low seasons, thing is they know how to get themselves out of it. And sometimes they need support too“- and I thought, ya you’re absolutely right.

After I had enough with crying- that part is important too, then I took my best tools out of my case that I know work for me- what works for you could be totally different. I only know these work from what felt like a long period of trial and error, seeing what made a shift. I shut out the extra noise and took more time to be with myself. That meant asking for help, declining invitations, walking with my thoughts only, meditating on my truth, my values and everything I have to be grateful for. On the opposing side it meant creating the right invitations, sharing openly where I felt accepted and not judged, keeping my goals alive and changing my energetic frequency. All of that was beginning to shift things in the right direction and then…

Popped out for my daily walk, randomly picked a podcast, something that I didn’t think had anything to do with “fixing me” etc (I know I’m not broken ;)), I just needed a break from thinking about it. Wouldn’t ya know it, it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear! I did a full 180 in an hour of listening, I got so clear on my intention with my business (give value + serve) and it gave me a really precious feeling about life. I got home and listened again and wrote things on post it notes as reminders. I always say that you never know what will help someone, it’s often the smallest things. I’ve shared this podcast in my new monthly newsletter with you on the off chance of it having any positive effect with you too. Jay Shetty and Ed Mylett if you ever read this, thank you!

That’s my share on living the human experience this month. As I shared with friends while I was in it, I had several that could relate, particularly finding certain birthdays a mental hurdle. So if you too, find yourself being human as you reach middle(ish) age birthdays, it’s apparently quite common. You’re not alone and sometimes the lows gift you the most valuable perspectives + purpose.

-Jess